Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

What the author thinks.....

My end-sems get over tomorrow, and theres a special air on these days. You start thinking about various things.

In my first year, even a week before end-sems, I used to start thinking about home. Eating my mother's dosas and her lovely combination of spices, my friends back at home, my little sister, the smell of sand that comes after rain, the symbol of peace.

Come my second year, I used to have similar feelings but it comes to me during the course of end-sems, not a week before.....

Come my third year, I think about the stupid internship that I have at IMSc and wonder why all this formality?, why this engineering course?, why IIT?, why existence? Philosophical questions such as this used to bother me all the time.

Come my fourth year(that is, NOW), I do not think of home. I am not thinking about the cute little baby that my sister-in-law gave birth to. I am not thinking about the cute little baby that is going to come out in November from my sister's womb. I am not thinking of my DDP with my prof. I sit in front of the damn computer, wasting all my time surfing over loads of useless stuff on the internet. I dont chat with friends. Still, I manage to waste time on the computer. At least during the courses, you think of the courses (maybe negative feelings but hell, feelings nonetheless). Now that my exam gets over tomorrow, there is a feeling of EMPTINESS.

My heart is totally EMPTY. I am void of any feelings now. I am not even thinking about the beautiful mountains of Darjeeling which I would be visiting in a few days time. What has happened to me? Am I incapable of reacting to events around me? Do you need to react to everything that happens around you? Do you need to express your love towards other people to show them that you actually care?

Tomorrow is my birthday and my mother talks to me over the phone. That fails to create any excitement in me. I consider birthday as any other day, except that the people who care for you want to show that they care for you by giving you presents, cards, taking you outside to eat. Do I deserve this? I definitely dont mind the perks that come along my way, but I dont want presents or cards from somebody to remind me that there are people who care for me. Does it show that they think I dont care about them?

Hell, I've asked too many questions. I rather stop now.

posted by sriganesh @ 6:40 AM